Yesterday
was my grandson Isaiah’s birthday. He is now the grand age of four years old!
As I was lying in bed tonight I wondered how I felt when I was his age. How did
I view my parents and grandparents and how must he be viewing me? So let me
reflect a little…
Me Turning Four
I
was the oldest of my siblings. The year I turned four my father and mother were
32 and 28 respectively. Because my father’s parents had divorced and remarried
I had three sets of grandparents. Their ages were 58/67 (Russell), 87/57
(Rogers), and 54/54 (Pierpont). So Grandpa Russell and Grampy Pierpont were
still working, but Bampa Rogers was long since retired. However, this did not
have any impact on my relationship with them since I generally only saw them on
weekends and holidays. I never saw Grandpa Russell go off to work (he was a
security guard with Pinkerton), and I only recall visiting Grampy Pierpont at
his job once in my lifetime (he was a clerk at a plumbing supply company in
those years).
My
parents only had one car in those years, so if my mother wanted to go grocery
shopping I and my sister had to ride along with them to Waterbury in the
morning to drop my father off outside the gates of Scovill and then pick him up
again at the end of his work day. He worked for the same company for 40 years,
so I always viewed him in that context. But my mother’s job was to care for the
children. So to summarize my “view” of these significant adults in my life:
Parents – father works,
mother is always around to take care of us
Grandpa and Nana Russell –
someone to visit on occasion, work is irrelevant, certainly not any one you
would “play” with, the adults visit with them and the children were expected to
stay quiet
Grampy and Grammy
Pierpont – someone to visit regularly, work is mostly irrelevant although I
knew about it, they loved interacting with their many grandchildren
Bampa and Grandma Rogers –
Bampa is “old”, Grandma is also “old” (it was about this time that she began
undergoing dementia and was confined to a nursing home), interactions are few
My Son Turning Four
Because
my wife and I waited several years until we had some financial stability and
owned our own home, we were a little bit older when we had children. Our son
turned four the year that I turned 35 and my wife 36. So our parents (my son’s
grandparents) were also a bit older than mine had been. My parents were 63 and
59 and my wife’s parents were 60 and 57 that year.
We
lived in PA, my parents were in CT and my wife’s parents in MI. So interactions
were limited to occasional visits. However it wasn’t too many years later that
we began a practice of having our children stay for a week or two with my
parents each summer. But visits to Michigan were only once a year. So how might
my son have viewed all of us?
Parents – father works,
mother is the primary childcare provider (that was the year that my wife began
working full-time as a preschool teacher, but she took our children to school
with her, so whenever they were not in school neither was she).
Grampy and Grammy Russell
– someone to visit, interested in their lives, willing to spend time with them
during their summer extended visits
Grandpa and Grandma
VanDeCar – someone a long way away, not someone who ever played with them
Isaiah Turning Four
My
daughter and son-in-law are the same ages that my wife and I were when our
children were born. But because that makes two generations in a row that waited
before having children, my wife and I are older than either our parents or
grandparents were at a similar stage in life. Since I decided to retire at age
58, Isaiah has never known me when I was working. And my wife also stopped
teaching before he was born. His other grandparents are a similar age, but they
both just stopped working in the last few years.
Isaiah
is very aware of where it was that I worked. When we drive by it, he is quick
to point and say, “Grandpa, Air Products!” but he does not really associate me
with going there regularly. And he does not do that with the other adults in
his life. Also, since my daughter is the primary breadwinner in their family,
he has a different view of his mother than I or my children did. However, he
misses her and quite often asks, “When is Mommy coming home?” and “Will Mommy
be home tomorrow?” Finally, since my wife and I are the primary caregivers to
Isaiah and his brothers, they have a very different relationship to us than the
prior generations. So, how do I think that he might view us?
Parents – people who
leave him every day, people who are so often working, people who you are always
waiting for them to come home
Grandpa and Grandma
Russell – people you play with, people who take care of you, the ones who feed
you breakfast and lunch every day, the ones who are always there for you
Pop-pop and Nana
Christman – people whom you visit, but not ones where you ever stay (and that’s
totally understandable when you think of having four boys over for an evening!)
Conclusions
When
I was four I had no concept of how old my grandparents were. They didn’t live
very far away, but they were still only people that you visited. They loved
their grandchildren, but they never played with them. They interacted with the
other adults in my life and would sometimes watch over us, but that was about
all. (The exception was that Grampy Pierpont would take me and my cousin
hiking/camping with him when we were a bit older.)
In
contrast, Isaiah, and his older brother, are very aware of how old I am (and
they have no problem with telling others either!). And we are very
involved in their lives. Last week I had to discard a pair of jeans because I’d
worn out the knees by so often being down on the floor crawling around and
picking up toys. My wife and I are the ones whom our grandchildren turn to
during the day whenever they need a cuddle or some toy fixed.
Turning
four was a big deal. We all went out to Friendly’s for dinner together last
night. Isaiah quickly ripped the wrapping paper off his birthday presents when
we got home and can’t wait to play with his new toys today.
Will
he remember any of this when he is a grandparent? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But
as I look back and try to remember what I felt like at his age, I have very
different types of memories than he is having now. And there is nothing wrong
with that. I’m just happy that I am still here to be a part of his memories
too.