I began this blog 9.5 years ago. One of the things I
posted in the first few months was titled “The ‘Like Me’ Syndrome”.
https://ramblinrussells.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-like-me-syndrome.html
In this post I talked about how we tend to feel
comfortable when we are with groups of people who are like us. I used as
examples Racial/Ethnic Clumping and Female/Male dominated professions. I then
noted some of the solutions to these issues and which don’t work and which
might work. I also looked at some of my experiences of being with people who
are NOT like me. I finished with the following paragraph.
Think about your own
experiences. When you are with others who are “like you” do you feel more
comfortable than when you are with others who are “not like you?” What is
it about the group that makes you “like” each other? What other aspects
of the group could you focus on so that the “like me” could dominate the “not
like me?”
Is This Still An Issue?
If anything, this is even more of an issue than it has
been historically. We now live in an era of what is sometimes referred to as “identity
politics.” This is politics based on particular identities such as ethnicity,
race, nationality, religion, denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social
background, caste, and social caste. Although it’s been around since the late
20th century, we are now drawing very distinct lines around the
various groups.
More recently, we have begun to put a lot of effort
into DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion), but in doing so, we are requiring
that people identify the racial/ethnic/sexual aspects that they have and thus
we are enforcing the differences between people rather than looking for
commonality. Then our political system tries to take advantage of these differences
with such statements as “I am a woman, you are a woman, therefore you must vote
for me.” (Or substitute other aspects into “I am ____” like I am an
African-American, I come from a family of immigrants.)
The implicit meaning behind this is that it’s not who
we are or what we do, but that we are defined by whatever aspect/identity is
being discussed. Thus, things like the color of our skin are the most important
things about us (“Black” lives matter!) so if we have just one drop of blood
from a Black ancestor many generations ago, then we are supposed to act, to BE,
Black. Universities are now having special graduation exercises just for those
in a particular identity group.
In this hyper-identity world, we are now using these
aspects of our life to divide us! And by dividing us into smaller groups it
discourages people from working together. The “Like Me” syndrome that I noted
several years ago is being used as a weapon. Instead of America being a “melting
pot” where people of many different backgrounds can come together, we have been
turned into a collection of identities and encouraged to NOT work together. It’s
a sad state of affairs.
So, what can we as individuals do about it? Let me
repeat what I wrote nine years ago:
What other aspects of the
group could you focus on so that the “like me” could dominate the “not like me?”
So What About Me?
I thought it would be interesting to use myself as a
case study and whether I actually practice what I preach. I’ve been using
social media, i.e. Facebook, since shortly after I retired 17 years ago. I have
now accumulated a list of “friends” numbering roughly 400. But being the
organized person that I am, I also maintain a spreadsheet of all these friends
which notes how I am connected to them. So, I’d like to use this spreadsheet as
a surrogate for which aspect of “like me” each individual is primarily associated
with.
Here are my categories:
· Family:
those with some sort of genealogical connection. This accounts for nearly 150
individuals. There are four subcategories in this. (1) Immediate family – siblings,
first cousins, nieces/nephews, etc. (note that because those two generations
below, i.e. grandchildren, do not use Facebook this is not a complete list of
family); (2) Pierpont – those related on my mother’s side – because I am the
historian of the Pierpont Family Association, I also have connections to the
wider family tree including relatives in France, England, and Canada; (3)
Russell – extended family on my father’s side – the subject of much of my genealogical
research; (4) VanDeCar – extended family on my wife’s side.
· Church:
those individuals in the church we have attended for nearly 50 years as well as
others in the denomination that we have established connections to. This
accounts for about 130 individuals.
· Wolcott:
individuals from my hometown in Connecticut. About 65 individuals, roughly 2/3 are
my high school classmates, the others are individuals who have an interest in
Wolcott History which I often blog about.
· Work:
individuals who I have worked with in some capacity, either my job at Air
Products where I spent over 30 years, or via one of the non-profits that I had
a long-term connection to (school boards, international students). About 45
individuals.
· Other:
those who do not fit one of the above categories. Only a dozen individuals.
That’s actually a pretty short list of ways that
define “like me”. Genealogy, church, geography, shared experiences. There is nothing
here about race, color, gender, sexual orientation, or any of the other aspects
of identity politics or DEI. But are these “not like me” aspects hidden in the
details or otherwise being used? Let me look at some of the details below the
surface in each of the above categories.
Family
This group is defined by genealogical connection and
the origins of each of the families listed are northern European (French, English,
etc.) But that does not mean that every individual has that same heritage as
people are free to marry others from different heritages. So, besides the
French/English/Canadian members of the extended Pierpont family, I am aware of
several other instances of this which have created connections to (1) Native
Americans, (2) Haiti, and (3) Japan. But these individuals are still “Family”.
And there are many other aspects of “not like me” that
get passed over. I am aware of several instances of same-sex relationships, political
orientations that span the spectrum of our current political situation in the
US, etc. But these individuals are still family, so I don’t let our differences
get in the way.
Church
The part of Pennsylvania where I live was settled by
German immigrants in the early 1700s. But with English immigrants to the N/E/S
there was a fair amount of English connection as well. And the church reflected
that heritage. But as the demographics of the area are changing, so are the
demographics of the church. Just a few examples: (1) our senior pastor is
Black; (2) our weekly church bulletin is available in Spanish as well as
English; (3) the church hosts an Arabic-speaking congregation on Sunday afternoon
and we now have two Syrian young men serving on our worship team; (4) the
couple who sits in front of us consists of a young man who met and married a
woman from Dominica while on a missions trip and they have since adopted four African-American
siblings; and (5) as part of the church’s mission focus we currently have
church members serving in Mexico, Jamaica, Germany, and Czech Republic.
Because of my genealogy interests, one of the “fun”
things I like to do is see if I can build a rudimentary family tree for people
in the church and see if there is any genealogical connection to me. I have
found such a connection for about 2/3 of the church members/attendees (usually
back about 400 years). But this leads to some interesting personal connections
that might not otherwise happen. For example, there are a couple of ladies who are
quite different than me. Because of some poor life choices, they are now part
of a very low-income group and have no connections to other relatives. They
came to our church because of our outreach to the community, but they didn’t
have any other connections to it. Then they were approached by me with the
message that they were distant cousins. That personal connection made a real
difference. Now they look me up each Sunday morning and greet me with “hello cuz”.
Wolcott
Because Wolcott was not incorporated until 1796 and
the population only grew beyond 1000 people after the paving of Wolcott Rd in
the 1930s, the demographics of the residents were very reflective of the “melting
pot” of the New England in the late 1800s and early 1900s. At one time I had
undertaken a genealogical study of my high school classmates. While this study
only is of the 2/3 of my friends in this category, the others are of this same
demographic mixture.
About 1/3 of my classmates are related to me
genealogically. However, there are a wide range of countries represented. Nearly all are from Europe
with the predominant ones being England, Ireland, Italy, France (actually
French-Canadian), and Polish – these were the source of much of the immigration
into that part of New England in that time period. Of my 170 classmates, only two
had ancestry from Africa, only one had ancestry from Asia (Philippines), and
there was no Spanish (either Spain or from South America). Some had very
complex mixtures such as one girl whose heritage was from Germany, Russia,
Poland, Ireland, and England, another whose heritage was from French-Canadian,
Sweden, Ireland, Scotland, and England, and another whose heritage was from
Italy, French-Canadian, Germany, Scotland, Ireland, and Netherlands. But we all
were having the same experience – growing up in a close-knit community and attending
the same new high school. So not only did we all get along quite well, but we
continue to be in close contact with one another. I know from their postings
that there are a wide range of political views in this group, but that doesn’t
matter.
Work
The shared experience here is working together. The
only item of significance is that there are about a dozen international
students (1/4 of the total of this group). I’ll have more to say about this below.
Other
This remaining small category includes some of my
neighbors, my best man (the only individual from my college years among my friends),
and some individuals who I work with on genealogical issues of WWII soldiers.
International Aspect
While I have always lived and worked in the United
States, I have had more than the typical amount of international travel. While
this has enriched my life and given me a perspective that many do not have, most
of the international friends among my 400 Facebook friends did not come from
this travel. I count as “international” not those who simply have a heritage
from another part of the world. Rather I only give this designation to someone
who was born in another country, or who lives/works/worked there for a
significant length of time.
With this designation, over 10% of my Facebook friends
are international (41 out of roughly 400). These 41 individuals represent 24
different countries and thus a wide range of different backgrounds. For
example, I have friends who are Buddhists from Thailand/Hong Kong, a Catholic
from Indonesia, Christian from Ghana, Christian from Pakistan, missionaries in
Mexico, Jamaica, Germany, Zambia, Kenya, as well as individuals from Norway,
Belgium, England, France, Venezuela and other places.
Having interactions with this wide variety of
individuals, as well as seeing other things that they post about their life,
keeps me from being narrowly focused and only having a US-centric view of the
world.
Conclusion
This 400-member collection of friends have a wide range
of backgrounds and interests. Some I see regularly at church each week. Some I
haven’t seen for several decades (since high school). Some I have never
actually met outside of social media. Some share political views with me, and
others have views that are totally the opposite. Some are going through
physical or personal problems and I pray for them regularly (and let them know
that I do), others do the same for me as I deal with various physical issues as
I age. With each I have at least one thing in common – be it genealogy,
religion, working together, or being from the same town.
But in each area where we are different I use our
relationship to learn about things from their perspective. I get to learn about
the discrimination that my native American nieces feel. I share with my
same-sex cousins and try to understand them instead of argue with them. I pray
with my high school classmates who, like me, are aging, having physical issues,
losing a spouse, etc. I pray for my Pakistani friend who is poor and suffers
from persecution on a regular basis (and she prays for me too!). I share with
those in our church who have had very different life experiences but who worship
the same God that I do.
That’s the key in all this. Instead of only
associating with those who are just like you, look for one aspect that you can
agree upon – be it shared DNA, living in the same town, working together, or
some other shared experience like going to the same church – and then use our
differences to learn from each other instead of using them to divide us. My
life is so much richer having learned from my friends.
Yesterday was my 76th birthday. Between
yesterday and today, I received greetings from about 25% of my 400 friends. I
love them all. And I hope to continue the relationship I have with each of them
for many more years to come.
