We
often think of “family” as being those who are connected to us by some sort of “blood”
relationship and with whom we share some DNA. But sometimes people come into
our lives by other means and we think of them as family too. I’d like to recount
some individuals whom I consider to be family – from five different generations
– and why they are special to me as well.
Grandparents
“Bampa”
Rogers
My
father had a very difficult life when he was younger (*1). His parents
separated when he was only 2, got back together again for a short time when he
was in first/second grade, then divorced. A few years later his mother
remarried, so for his pre-teen and teen years his step-father, Charles Rogers
(*2), was prominent in his life. By the time I was born, my father had
reestablished a relationship with his birth father so I knew him, but I had a
better relationship with my step-grandfather. As a young boy, I didn’t yet have
the pronunciation skills to say “grandpa”, so it came out as “bampa” – and the
name stuck.
I
can never recall ever having grandpa Russell play with me – he wasn’t terribly
friendly toward children, but I always enjoyed the times with my “Bampa”
Rogers. Despite the fact that he was already in his 80’s when I was born, he
taught me to play cribbage and I always enjoyed our visits to him in his latter
years in the nursing home.
Bampa
passed away at the age of 93 when I was only 10. Even though he was only a “step”
grandfather and far too old to be my biological grandfather, I still enjoyed my
relationship with him!
Parents
Don
and Katy Kilwin
My
wife, Donna, grew up in a home with an abusive father. As soon as she graduated
from high school, she left home and began renting a room in town. She found
work at Kilwin’s Bakery and the couple who owned the bakery, Don and Katy
Kilwin, took her under their wing. They encouraged her to start taking some
classes at the local two-year college. Having no children of their own, she became
like a daughter to them.
When
I met and married her a few years later, it was obvious the place that they
occupied in her life. My wife even stayed at their house the night before the
wedding. During the wedding ceremony the typical arrangement at the time was
that one side was designated the bride’s side and one side the groom’s side and
that’s where our parents sat. But with a two-aisle setup, we placed Don and
Katy in the front row just like our parents, but in the center section.
When
we began having children, they called this wonderful couple, Uncle Don and Aunt
Katy – a practice that continued with the eventual arrival of grandchildren.
Don passed away in his 50’s from a heart attack, but our relationship with Katy
continued through her widowhood and eventually a second marriage. They were so
much a part of our life that when Katy was in her final days, Donna made the
trip to Michigan to be with her (*3). We were also honored to be mentioned in
her will as she had named us as beneficiaries of an annuity. We love you, Uncle
Don and Aunt Katy!
Siblings
Bruce
Hill
Bruce
was technically my cousin’s cousin as my father’s sister married his father’s
brother. But since my father and his father were also best friends for many
years the relationship was much closer than that. We lived in the same town and
were about the same age. But as Bruce’s parents had a somewhat rocky
relationship, there were a number of occasions where Bruce came to live with us
for extended periods.
My
mother wrote about this in her memoirs (*4), and I have also written about it
previously (*5), so I’ll not repeat all the details here. Although we were much
like brothers while growing up, when I went off to college and he went his own
way we did not have much contact after that. He died at the age of only 44,
nearly 30 years ago.
Ingrid
Klykken
Ingrid
was the first exchange student for our family. When I went off to college, she “replaced”
me and occupied the room that had been mine. So, I got relegated to the
basement for the rest of that summer until I left, then again during the
Christmas break, and again from when I returned home in the spring until she
returned to Norway. While that made her more a sister to my siblings, she also
became a sister to me (with the exception that I took her to the Christmas dance
at school – something that I would not have done with my biological sister).
Relationships
with exchange students can take many forms and the one with Ingrid was a very
close one. My parents visited Norway and spent time with her and her family, my
sister also visited Norway, and Ingrid has returned on a few occasions to visit
us. With the advent of social media, she remains close with all of us and I am
proud to call her a sister!
Children
Lynnette
Cruff
Much
like the relationship with Don and Katy Kilwin began at a time of need in Donna’s
life, we acquired our first “daughter” in a time of need. Lynnette’s father,
Curt, began his ministry as a pastor in the little church which Donna was
attending as a teenager. He was only 10 years older than Donna, so became a friend
as well as her pastor. When he and his wife moved on to a different church a
few years later, Donna took care of his young children, including their
daughter, Lynnette, during the transition. When Donna and I got married, she
chose Curt to be the pastor to conduct the ceremony, so we went to their home
in southern Michigan for our marriage counseling and he made the trip back to
northern Michigan for the wedding. We continued to visit them during our regular
trips back to Michigan during the early years of our marriage.
It
was on one of those trips that we learned of a need in Lynnette’s life. She was
in her 3rd year of college at Palm Beach Atlantic college in Florida
at the time and no longer had the funds to pay for the remainder of her degree
program. Curt and Mary had just left the ministry due to burnout and had
purchased a small farm so he did not have the means to help her with tuition expenses.
She sadly told us that she was going to have to drop out of school. My wife and
I talked it over that evening as we lay in bed together and the next announced
that we would offer to pay the tuition for her remaining time in school. With
tears in all our eyes, she gratefully accepted and promised to pay it back when
she was able (which she did). And so, we acquired a new daughter!
When
she graduated and got married a few years later, we were delighted to be invited
to participate in her wedding. We and our young children flew to Florida (their
tickets being paid for with box tops from Chex cereal) and we spent the night
before the wedding staying in her fiancé’s apartment and the night after the
wedding with another relative in the area.
We
have remained in touch over the years, although they live in a different part
of the country and our communication is primarily limited to our annual Christmas
cards. Lynnette and Tom have four children and now two grandchildren as well.
We are proud of our first daughter!
“Noon”
Tabtimdaeng
We
have had a number of exchange students who stayed with us over the years. Our
contact with them after they returned to their home countries varied. Some
never contacted us again, others treated us like a nice memory. But a few
became more like family. One of the latter was “Noon” (her English nickname,
real name being Jiraporn Tabtimdaeng) from Thailand. Noon fit right into our
family well and, even though she was a very quiet person, we thought of her as
a daughter from the beginning.
Because
of various business activities, I had the opportunity to visit her in Thailand
on three separate occasions, staying in her family’s home the first two times.
I have written about these visits earlier (*6).
During
my first visit I was careful to observe Thai customs which included not having
any physical contact – even though we often gave Noon hugs during her stay with
us in the US. However, when I left and her family took me to the airport, I
asked her father for permission to give her a hug. He consented and I did so.
On
my last visit there I spent part of a day with Noon in Bangkok. She was then in
her mid-20’s and a fine young lady. As we stood on the train platform where we
would be separating, but without her father this time, I asked her if it was
okay if I gave her a hug. Her reply was, “Of course, you’re my dad!” It’s incidents
like this that I continue to think of and a way that demonstrates that she
continues to be my daughter!
Shirley
Mensah
Shirley
is from Ghana and stayed with us the same year as Noon did. But it took much
longer for her to feel like a member of the family. I’ve written about that
before (*7), so won’t repeat it here. When she returned to Ghana, we lost touch
for several years as she was from a poor family and had no access to a computer
or email. We thought that she would no longer be a part of our lives.
Thus,
it was a surprise when on a Saturday morning when a message popped up on
Facebook that said, “Hi dad!” I immediately called to my wife in the next room,
“It’s Shirley!” And, just like that, she was a part of our lives again. We
continued to communicate via Facebook. Then, just a few years ago, I had the
opportunity to go to Ghana as a flight chaperon for a group of exchange students
returning home after their year in the US, and so I arranged to spend a week
with Shirley, meet her family, and to strengthen our communication.
While
there I was also honored by the tribal council for the tribe that Shirley
belongs to (*8), where I was introduced as “Shirley’s American Father.” I guess
that must make it official!
Grandchildren
Kenisha
We
didn’t have any individuals in this category until just recently. Although I
had visited our Ghanaian daughter, Shirley, in her home country a few years
ago, she got married in 2017 and we had not heard from her a lot since. Our
primary contact is via her infrequent Facebook postings.
But
then, earlier this week, my phone dinged early one morning and, not unlike the
time when we heard from her the first time after she returned to Ghana, there
was a Facebook message which said, “Hello dad”. We began a back-and-forth
conversation about how things were going. Then she surprised me with the
following message:
“I had a baby 2
weeks ago. So u have another granddaughter”
Wow!
What an unexpected surprise! So, our newest family member is Kenisha. I asked
for a picture, which I share just below. So, since Shirley is our daughter and
she declares that Kenisha is our granddaughter, I guess we have added yet
another family member.
Conclusion
Family
is important to my wife and I. But, as the above examples show, family is more
than just those with whom we share DNA. We have been, and continue to be,
connected to other individuals who, for a variety of reasons, we consider to be
family!
Notes
Wonderful piece. Thanks! Bob Kraft
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